My Stinky Top Ten Lists!

Top Ten Reasons The Restaurant You're Eating In Should Be Condemned

1. Your legs are sticking to the vinyl seats, but you're not wearing shorts

2. There are an unusual amount of "Have You Seen My Kitty?" posters in the neighbourhood.

3. Your burrito comes 3 ways: con queso, chorizo, or cucaracha

4. Their "Bloomin' Onion" is just an onion that has sprouted mold

5. Your waitress got fired from Hooters for "inappropriate attire"

6. Its' name rhymes with "Schmaspers"

7. The waiter asks you if you want "Chicken Fly Lice" but he isn't chinese

8. Nichole is your server

9. The waitresses wear hair nets... down there

10. It was voted by Outreach Magazine as "One of the Top Ten Restaurants of The Year"

TOP TEN BEST TITLES OF EMAIL I HAVE EVER SENT

1. Moo Moo Said The Scallop

2. the Vacuum Cleaners of Venus

3. Mr T's Roadkill Mouse Party

4. Clams in Lore And Legend

5. Leave The Hamster Alone

6. Why I Am Going To Burn For Eternity

7. Total Eclipse Of The Squid, Part Deux

8. Sir Manichevitz and his Magical Hot Tub

9. The Return Of The Sneaky Pickle

10. James Brown's Baeath Mint

TOP TEN BEST TITLES OF EMAIL I HAVE RECEIVED

1. Hey Jane

2. Hey!

3. Hello Again

4. Hi!

5. Hello there

6. How Was Your Weekend?

7. Hello?

8. Hi

9. Timesheets

10. Re: Your Mail

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Top Ten Reasons why Syphilis is Better Than a Happy Meal

1. Syphilis can be obtained in any number of exotic locations - The Riviera, Hugh Hefner's Mansion, Majorca, Sunset Strip. A Happy meal can only be obtained at McDonalds.

2. There are no age restrictions on syphilis.

3. Napoleon, the greatest military mind in the Western world, had syphilis. But did he ever eat a Happy Meal? Noooooooooo.

4. You can give Syphilis to all your friends without worrying about running out, whereas with a Happy Meal... well, a handful of fries here, a bite of burger there, and it's gone, baby.

5. The fact that Syphilis doesn't require a cardboard container saves thousands, nay, millions, of trees annually.

6. People won't ask you to share your syphilis because it 'smells so delicious'.

7. Syphilis is free. Happy Meals are $2.99. That's a substantial savings.

8. People will bring syphilis right to your door. I don't see McDonald's giving you that kind of service.

9. No one will ever ask you if you want to 'Super Size' your syphilis.

10. By choosing syphilis over a Happy Meal, you are sending a signal to multinational corporations everywhere that you aren't buying into their greed-fuelled capitalist agenda, man.

Top Ten Things There Should Be a Top Ten List About!

1. Top Ten Ice Age Mammals That Should Be Defrosted and Cloned

2. Top Ten Agencies That Pay Better Than This One

3. Top Ten Things That Crazy Cat People Do

4. Top Ten Ways Monique Will Survive On $37 a Week After Retirement

5. Top Ten Captions For Ed's Cute Cat Photo

6. Top Ten Gross Things Ive Seen Rose Do

7. Top Ten Things Not To Do With An Aubergine

8. Top Ten Power Ballads We Secretly Love (wait, I think we mgiht have done that one!)

9. Top Ten Places To Get The Clap

10. Top Ten Reasons Why I Am The Bomb

Top Ten Ice Age Mammals That Should Be Defrosted And Cloned

1. Regular (Non-woolly) Mammoth

2. Woolly Mammoth

3. Indricotherium

4. Uintatherium

5. Smilodon

6. Megatherium

7. Glyptodon

8. Doedicurus

9. Saber-Toothed Cat

10. Coelodonta (Woolly Rhino)

Top Ten Things On My Mind This Week:

1. Woolly Rhinoceros: The Underappreciated Prehistoric Mammal

2. Chilles Rellenos

2. IBooks

4. Retro Chinese Restaurant Signs From The 50's

5. The colours Lime Green and Terracotta

6. There is a mint plant that tastes like banana. This is amazing!

7. Urban Exploration In Abandoned Detroit Buildings, and what a neat thing it would be to put photos of this on my website.

8. Eohippus. The Horse The Size of a Cat!

9. The Mental Picture of a Wooly Mammoth Terrorizing a Trailer Park

10. The Tonga Room in San Francisco

You Know You Watch Too Much Iron Chef When...

1. All you want for Christmas is an ice cream maker and some squid

2. Your daily dinner preparation routine is sprinkled with running commentary like "Fuku-San, it appears that I am now placing the No-Name Brand Fishsticks directly into the oven!" and "This ketchup will be an intriguing companion for my potatoes that have been cooked in the English style!"

3. You were eying that ruffled shirt in the window of Malabar the other day, wondering if it would fit you

4. When you walk in on your spouse in bed with another person, you laugh politely and say "Well, you have betrayed me... but in a positive way!"

5. To test yellow peppers for freshness in Loblaws, you just take a big honkin' bite out of them

6. You refuse to serve dinner without dry ice accompaniment

7. You no longer go out on Friday or Saturday Nights

8. You hear the sound of the gong of fate whenever you're a little peckish

9. You've ever fantasized about a "Battle Cheez Whiz"

10. You're alone, It's midnight, you're fixing yourself a quick snack... and the fuse blows due to the fact that you had your blender, cuisinart, ice cream maker and juicer on simultaneously.

Top Ten Foolish Behaviours of Jane, Rational Danger Girl!

Inspired by the original Rational Danger Girl

1. I have been known to order Spring Rolls in Chinatown, full well knowing that on rare occasions they put pork in them! Dangerously and rashly, I let $2.99 hang in the balance and ORDER THEM ANYWAY!

2. I have ridden my bike without a helmet for the past 12 months since my old helmet self destructed!

3. I wear black clothes at night, without any reflective tape or lights affixed to me whatsoever!

4. I let the handles of my pots point outwards from the stove, WILLY NILLY!

5. I chop eggs on a wooden cutting board, dancing with that devilish suitor thay call Salmonella!

6. I don't peep through the peephole when I answer the door. Because I foolishly rented an apartment with NO PEEPHOLE!

7. I pay my rent up to 3 or 4 days late on occasion, not because I dont have the money, but because I can't be bothered to walk around the front of the house and put the cheque in the mailbox!

8. I drink my milk straight from the carton as often as twice a month!

9. I buy dented cans from the supemarket! I'm not afraid of you mister DENT!

10. Sometimes I go to bed... without washing off my makeup! (Just like the movie stars, but in my case its pure forgetfulness)

Top Ten Reasons Why My Life Was Like an Episode of Cops Wednesday Night

1. What I at first took to be the sounds of over amorous lovemaking from an unidentified male person in my upstairs neighbours apartment, turned out to be the grunts and protestations of a felon being taken down by the Metropolitan Toronto police in my backyard. Perhaps its time to get my hearing checked.

2. When Alexis and I ventured outside and asked the cops what they were doing, I got the most hilarious standard textbook cop answer of all time: "Just your local police force serving and protecting, ma'am!"

3. They yelled out really cool TV style police-like stuff like "We have one in custody! I repeat, one is in custody!" when they cuffed the guy.

4. I was not dressed in normal clothes when I came out of my apartment to see what was going on. However, unlike most of the white trash cameos on COPS, I was not in my underwear (thank god). I was, however, in an evening gown, as I had just been in the midst of modelling for Alexis what I had planned to wear to the staff Christmas party. I hope the policemen appreciated it's subtle mix of nouveau-polynesian style and retro black tie elegance.

5. Alexis thinks one of the cops may have been wearing a toupee. After further discussion, we decided it was not a toupee, but he was in definite need of a Cosmo makeover. Perhaps Rose can assist, as I have his card. Note to Rose: Constable John Budd, of 14 Division, Alternate Response Unit, needs a Cosmo Makeover.

6. Constable John Budd also should lay off the doughnuts.

7. Constable John Budd also asked us if this was "More exciting than Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". Leah, take note.

8. The woman whose house who was broken into (on Howland) had far better jewellery than I do, judging by the expensive boxes that were scattered throughout my backyard. Hopefully, the constables missed some in their search of my outdoor premises. Baby needs some brand new shoes, after all.

9. The cops made typical jovial cop jokes like "Well, now we've swept up all the leaves in your yard looking for evidence, do you have any leaf bags?" ha ha!

10. This is the second cop "take down" I've seen near my house in 2 weeks. Perhaps it's time to move to the quiet and pastoral neighbourhood of Parkdale? And as I write these very words, no joke, I hear more cop sirens screaming down the street...