Is The Onion's Smoove B Freelancing as a Wedding Co-ordinator? While searching online for tiki wedding information, I came across an intersting tiki wedding site... the style of writing seemed familiar. Then it hit me... this must be the work of SMOOVE B! Yes, America's favourite Love man, the king of soulful prose, doggy style, has made his way to Polynesia. (In the finest airplane all of North America could provide, complete with peanuts free of charge, to be sure). In the following selected passages, you will see the irrefutable proof of Smoove B's new vocation.
Tiki Wedding: The bride-to-be is then lead to the bamboo hut (or fare) where the women of the village prepare her for the ceremony. Therethey will massage her body with traditional monoi oil and will dress her for the occasion as a Tahitian Princess.
Smoove B: I am the man for you, and I will make you want to get down and get funk-ass nasty with me. I will make you scream and shout all hours of the night. I will make sweet love to you like no man has ever before.Ê In addition to all of that, I will wash you.
Tiki Wedding: Meanwhile, the groom will be taken by canoe to a nearby beach to be tattooed (in felt-tip pen only!) and dressed as a High Chief. He is then brought back to the village to be welcomed by his bride accompanied by the High Priest and the villagers, all dressed for the occasion in traditional costume.
Smoove B: First, I will pick you up at your apartment dressed in a shimmering, gold satin suit. At that point, I will present a gift of a dozen roses to you. Also, I will be polite and not enter your home until you verbally invite me in.
Tiki Wedding: Whilst the ceremony is in progress the women of the village will sing for you their very moving traditional religious chants.
Smoove B: I will make you scream and shout all hours of the night.
Tiki Wedding: The couple, sumptuously covered in perfumed flower leis and garlands proceed to the Royal Chair which is carried by four noble warriors. They then receive their traditional Marriage Certificate written on tapa, the bark of the breadfruit tree, as a sign of their eternal vows.
Smoove B: Every time I see you, you will be presented with a lovely gift. I will give you golden bracelets that shine like sparkles of sunlight on the ocean. I will give you a necklace of pearls that beams like the moon in the evening. I will give you earrings that are more beautiful than a flock of seagulls or some such other type of romantic bird.
Tiki Wedding: Champagne is then served while the young women of the village offer a dance show in their honor.
Smoove B: I would fly to Europe in order to personally select the finest champagne for you to drink. I would climb to the peak of the highest mountain to demonstrate that my lower-back muscles are powerful and won't give out.
Tiki Wedding: The couple will also be invited to join the maidens in their dance before embarking on the Royal Canoe on a romantic journey embraced by the sound of ukulele and guitar.
Smoove B: Next, we will attend an exquisite Broadway musical. We will enjoy the finest singing, dancing and showmanship that is available anywhere. We will be among the upper crust of society, enjoying a night of theater.
Tiki Wedding: The newlyweds then board a richly appointed Royal Floating Fare from where they may contemplate the enchanting play of sunlight on the clear blue waters of the lagoon, marveling at the passing array of vividly colored fish, while drinking a toast to their new love.
Smoove B: Then we will take a romantic horse-and-carriage ride to dine at the most expensive restaurant we can find. We will eat a meal of boiled lobsters and enjoy greens and fine wine.
Tiki Wedding: Note: Couples may also choose to be married in wedding attire of their own personal choice. The bride can hire a wedding gown from Tiki Village if she wishes to be married in white.
Smoove B: When the show is completed, we will return to your apartment, and you will change into a white silk robe.
Tiki Wedding: The Tahitian ceremony is a traditional Polynesian wedding. Couples wishing to be legally married at our City Hall, require at least one months prior residence in French Polynesia These civil ceremonies take place at City Hall on the same day as the Tiki Village ceremony but two hours earlier. Certain required documents such as Birth Certificates and Proof of Residential Status must be forwarded to us ahead of time. A list of the requirements will be sent to you on request.
Smoove B: Damn.