A TRIP TO THE JARDIN TIKI
Sherbrooke St. (at Viau)
Montreal, Quebec
Canada
The sign reads:
Bienvenue au Jardin Tiki. Souper Dansant tous les Samedi soirs. Lun au Ven Midi Buffet 8.95, Age d'or 60 6.25, Souper Buffet 9.95, Age d'Or 60 7.95. Sam & Dim Midi 10.95 Soir 16.95. Midi Combo 5.95: Soup, Wonton Egg Roll, Riz Frit, Chow Mein au Poulet, Spareribs.
If you don't speak Franglais, this basically means "Welcome to Jardin Tiki, if you don't like buffet, you're shit out of luck. P.S. Old people eat cheap, and we have super dancing Saturday Nights!"
You might want to bring your sunglasses
The Jardin Tiki is a bit out of the way from Montreal's hotspots (It's a bit of a walk from the Viau subway station, near the Olympic Village). Since we were going to the Olympic Village anyway that day, we decided to go for lunch. High noon. Coming in off the snowy street, we felt right away that it was just tooo bright! In a place that old, you don't really want to see the carpet. Or the food, for that matter.
The glowing buffet of mystery
Ah yes, the food. It was strictly buffet that day, as it is every day. The only thing that I liked was the deep fried coconut rice balls. Never had those before. Other than that, the choice was limited to your standard chinese buffet fare . I think Jason (Mr. Veggie) ended up with potatoes, a couple bean sprouts, and a piece of broccoli. I fared slightly better (but not much) as I eat chicken. So I got me a couple of those chicken balls or what-have-you with glowing neon sauce.
The effects of neon orange sauce on human subjects
Here you can see me in the throes of a neon-sauce induced state of fugue. I cannot remember my name, where I am, who the Prime Minister is, or what this thing is standing beside me. I am paralyzed by an MSG overdose.
Here's a handsome fellow!
Two, in fact. I like this tiki a lot. Dark wood, unusual face, Easter Island influence. I would like one for my livingroom. Sadly, it's hard to discreetly pocket a 1,000 pound idol.
Ikebana on a grand scale
For all my griping about it being too bright, it's got a lot of cool tikis, arranged quite dramatically as you can see here. I feel that had I gone in the evening, I would have more fully enjoyed the experience. You can see how this could look really cool in dim lighting (and with a couple of mystery drinks to wash down the memory of the ancient egg rolls).
Get that shine off your face with, Noxema!
Here's a very intricately carved Maori looking fellow with way too much shine on his face. He needs to get that special T-Zone anti-shine formula from Noxema. Or perhaps that is the look all the tikis are sporting these days. In any case, I'm just rambling, so let's move on to the next photo.
I embrace nudity in all its forms.
Here I am with a large tiki who seems to have elaborately carved nipples. Woohoo!
See no eggroll, hear no eggroll, hurl no eggroll
I really liked these three guys (actually there were six, three flanking each side of the exit). Actually, it seems to be some sort of depiction of cannibalism in reverse. you can see the guy on the right eating a little tiki head, the guy in the middle with one in his stomach, and the guy on the left with a stomachache. That long pig ain't all it's cracked up to be, eh?
Thanks for coming. Good night!
Er, or should I say good day? All in all, I think the Jardin Tiki is probably best enjoyed for the drinks, not the food, and during the evening. With lots of friends. I will return one day, enjoy it in the manner I just described, and write a new report. Until then, I bid you au revoir!