The enchanting Burlington-Bloomfield Plaza
Ding dong, Gweilo calling!
It's actually full of happy diners.
They're just all in the washroom.
You no want! You no want!
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Jade Tiki
3250 South Boulevard
Bloomfield Hills
Michigan
Phone: 248 852-8181
It was the morning after our traumatic experience at the Hut. I had 12 hours before I was to take the Greyhound back to Toronto, and my craving for sweet and sour pineapple sauce had gone unsated. What was a tikiphile to do? Consult the online 411 directory of course (I must commend Mr. Fishstick for this brilliant stroke of genius). We asked us to show us any business with the word 'Tiki' in it's name for all of Michigan.
Miraculously, up popped Jade Tiki - nestled undiscovered in a strip mall only 15 minute's from his house. We decided not to even wait for dinner - we were going to go for lunch there. Not knowing anything about it, besides the fact that it was called Jade Tiki and that it served Chinese food.
We drove around for an hour and a half before figuring out that theres no such thing as "3250 East South Boulevard" which is how the phone directory listed it. Sad, disappointed, and still hungry, we decided it just wasn't meant to be, and started driving home. Fate was with us that day, becuase on the way back, Jason spotted it's unassuming sign amongst the donut shops and discount stores of the Burlington-Bloomfield Plaza.
The Jade Tiki is not exactly the penultimate example of a Tiki bar. However, it's as close as Bloomfield gets, so we weren't complaining (espacially after the previous evening's disappointment at the Hut). The front door is the most tiqi-esque thing about it. Walking in, a small pool filled with koi greet you. Well, actually, they can't greet you, because they're fish, and therefore lacking the necessary vocal cords to greet, but you get the idea. We were the only people in the place, which was fairly large. Because of this, I felt a little self conscious taking pictures (the staff seemed suspicious of my motives) but I did it anyway, knowing that yoou, my devoted readers, would be disappointed with anything less.
Immediately upon opening the menu I was delighted to see a full page devoted to tropical drinks, with illustrations of all the fine tiki mugs they were served in. Pineapples, headhunters, angry gods, etc. Then, my seldom-seen inner pessimist kicked in and quickly decided that this menu was probably older than I was, and surely these mugs had last been seen by Jade Tiki customers somewhere around the time of the Nixon administration (as a Canadian I should say Trudeau administration, but somehow it doesnt have that same cheesy cachet). But I asked anyway.
Quite unexpectedly, the waitress told me that indeed they DID serve the drinks in these mugs, but "You no want! You no want!". I told her I had I.D. and that I did, indeed, "want" but she just shook her head no. "Too much alcohol!" she said. "You no want!". Finally, in order to stop her from having a nervous breakdown, I just asked for a couple cokes to be brought to us in the tiki mugs instead.
I ordered the 'Hawaiian Paradise' which was advertised as a flaming volcano of deep fried seafood and pineapple in sweet and sour sauce. Jason ordered some stir fried broccoli (there is really very little vegetarian food at Jade Tiki. I'm not complaining, mind you, because it would be foolish of us to expect otherwise, but I'm just stating the facts). It was great fun to have my food wheeled out to me, in an empty restaurant at 3 on a sunday afternoon, and set afire.
The food was amazing. Way beyond the quality I was expecting. Giant scallops, pieces of cuttlefish, shrimps, and cod all perfectly fried in their golden brown batter. I ate the whole platter. The vegetable chow main was decent and the broccoli was fabulous. We rounded off the meal by purchasing our mugs to take home (a couple of handsome angry green Orchids of Hawaii fellows) and cracking open a couple of fortune cookies.
On a final note, I noticed that the wallpaper in this place looked about vintage 1980 or so, leading me to wonder what it had been before that. Had Jade Tiki once been more tiki than it is today? Is there a dumpster full of bamboo out back? We can only speculate.
PS. Do you know of a Tiki bar in YOUR town? The fishstick is willing (as you might have gathered) to travel long distances to get to one! e-mail me with your dining suggestions!
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