This Ain't
Ogilvy on Advertising.

Jokes about my job... advertising.

A guy from KFC arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church." The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed." "Well," says the KFC man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken..." Again the Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the KFC guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'" and he leaves. Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion." "The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account."

An ad team is working very late at night on a project due the next morning. Suddenly, a Genie appears before them and offers to grant them all one wish. The Copywriter says: "I've always dreamed of writing the great American novel and having my work studied in schools across the land. I'd like to go to a tropical island where I can concentrate and >write my masterpiece." The Genie says "No problem!" and poof! The Copywriter is gone. The Art Director says: "I want to create a painting so beautiful that it would hang in the Lourve Museum in Paris for all the world to >admire. I want to go to the French countryside to work on my painting." The Genie says "Your wish is granted! and poof! The Art Director is gone. The Genie then turns to the Account Executive and says "And what is your wish?" The AE says, "I want those two assholes back here right now."

A producer died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, God welcomed the producer and offered to show her around Heaven. She saw that life above was serene and tranquil with omnipresent lutes and choral singing. But none of her friends were there. Remarking to the Almighty that she was expecting a more lively scene in the afterlife, God offered to let her take a look at afterlife in Hell. Hell was a complete surprise -- all her friends were there whooping it up, partying, drinking beer and rocking out. She returned to Heaven and asked God if she could spend her eternity in Hell. He responded in the affirmative. Upon her return to Hell, she found just what she had always conditioned to expect. A fiery inferno, backbreaking labor, no coffee breaks. As the devil approached her with a menacing smile, the producer pleaded with him to explain the discrepancy between this version of Hell and the one she'd seen on her first visit. The devil replied, "Oh, did you like my demo reel?".

A copywriter dies, and Saint Peter offers him a choice of Heaven or Hell. The writer asks to see both. Leading him to a doorway, Saint Peter says: "Here in Hell, we have a room just for copywriters." Inside, the writer sees row upon row of faceless hacks, all scribbling frantically as giant red devils lay into them with heavy whips. "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes" the devils scream. "Uh ... better show me Heaven," the writer says. So up they go. "Here in Heaven, we have a room for copywriters too," Saint Peter says. Peering into the second room, the writer again sees row upon row of faceless hacks, all scribbling frantically as giant red devils lay into them with heavy whips. "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes" the devils scream. The copywriter protests, "But I thought you said this was Heaven!" St. Peter says, "Well, up Here, the work gets produced."

How an Ad Agency Changes a Light Bulb.

Q. How many account executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A. How many would you like?

Q. How many media people does it take to change a light bulb?

A. I first need to figure how many people the light will reach, and then I can back out a number.

Q. How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Change! I'm not changing crap! This is bullshit - who said to change it?

Q. How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Does it have to be a light bulb?

Q. How many creative directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Let me go to LA and find out.

Q. How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. I don't know. What do you think?

Q. How many print production managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Forget it. We don't have the budget for a new one.

Q. How many traffic people does it take to change a light bulb?

A. All I know is that it should have been changed last week, and it's not my fault.

Q. How many ad accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

A. First give me your timesheet and then I'll tell you.

Q. How many Mac Artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Did you book time for this work?

Q. How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two. One to change it and one to check the change.